But riding in traffic makes me focus. This is helpful especially since Salt Lake City, in a recent Gallup Poll, was ranked as the sixth worst city to drive in!! If we could design a car specifically for SLC it would look as follows:
- the steering wheel would have ergonomically correct slots for your knees so that when you use them to steer, while you're eating, texting, putting on make-up, or picking your nose and then gloating about your trophy (yes I saw you lady, you gorgeous thirty something blond creature, the one driving the BMW Porsche-want-to-be sports car down Highland Drive) your knees would not slide on the steering wheel and you would at least have some control.
- No signal lights or the switch bar (which if you're curious is on the left side of the steering column on most cars) inside the car. While it wouldn't save much in the way of weight, wouldn't give you better gas mileage, or increase your speed when you run a red light, it would be less (broken glass, plastic, car parts, etc) for the road crew to clean up after you t-bone someone in the intersection. And you'd have to find another place to hang your little scented tree.
- It would have a foldout tray across the center of the steering wheel to hold your makeup, hamburger, etc. The tray would be designed with a gyro to keep it level. The gyro (A gyro or gyroscope is a device for measuring or maintaining orientation, based on the principles of conservation of angular momentum ) should never be confused with a gyro. If you drive, like I think you do, you need a better gyro inside your head while your noshing on a gyro. The simplify even further--just in case a legislator or Congressperson reads this--the gyroscope was invented by the Germans and the gyro was presumably first served up by the Greeks. One keeps you somewhat stable the other can give you heartburn.
- The car would have a sign that flashes on automatically: when you turn right out of the left turn lane (or left out of the right turn lane), run a red light, or drive down the road like a drunk weaving from side to side while texting, thereby cutting off semi-trucks, bicyclists, joggers pushing their kids in strollers. The sign would say in brightly flashing neon: "Caution this aggressive, moronic, and seriously distracted driver's head is stuck way up where the sun don't shine! Tee Hee! My Bad!!"
- And for bicyclists, joggers (with or without strollers), and cars approaching an intersection with the green light in their favor, every car would have a klaxon horn that would blare at 200 decibels when a distracted driver was coming up from behind or approaching an intersection: "Watch out dumb-ass approaching!" Or maybe a device that sends a signal to DMV every time a dumb-ass runs a red light, cuts off any of the above, or starts to do the texting weave that would keep track. After two or three violations DMV would take away their license and make them take the bus or ride a bike to work for an year! The car would also be outfitted with an alarm that would alert the cops if the dumb-ass driver got back in the car while under suspension. Perhaps the car's engine would immediately seize.
But be forewarned: If I'm hit by someone who is talking on a cell phone, texting or otherwise distracted I have instructed my family to slap you with a law suit that would make it impossible for you to ever have children or drive again.
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